What now?

Recently I’ve run across a number of people in early careers who are facing new life challenges. This may be a new college graduate finding himself in a new city and career, an early career professional in the first 5 years in it. And for some, they completed a degree and are working in a field they now realize they really do not enjoy. The 20’s can be tough years – as much as college was new, it was still familiar in that it was a school environment. Now there are no ready-made boundaries of schedules, people, beginnings, and endings. Perhaps you’re that age, have an adult child who is going through it, or know someone else who is. Let’s take a look at it and see what each of us can learn about not only the age group, but also find something as a take away point for your own life. I ran across the above quote but I really like it as it summarizes the feelings I hear from those of you in your 20’s, and I recall feeling this way as well in my 20’s. Relationships are changing--whether married, engaged, or single--the depth and breadth of what they are is maturing and new. Playing a game of Frisbee in the college quad is not part of the day, and you can’t just make a plan with someone down the hall in the dorm. It is also important to find the time for a volleyball game or game of Apples to Apples with friends – it now takes planning, however. But the GOAL – not the present feeling – is indeed to learn to be loyal, consistent, and stable in one’s life. Note that it is the GOAL! ☺ I looked through a couple of blogs before writing this to see what others were saying about life after graduation from college. And these were some of the feelings and ideas expressed:

• Social life has changed – both in what you do and figuring out with whom and how to do it.
• Life is no longer scheduled by the semester – something you know, but have never lived before. How long is this job -forever??
  
• Your friends are no longer nearby in many cases – and you miss the friends you used to hang with, let alone the bestie who was always there in a difficult time.
  
• School provided the context for friendships – how DO you meet new friends your age if you don’t just go to the bar?
  
• The goals are no longer part of the ebb and flow of life – each semester defined them as well as what a parent wanted (get a job) or you had as an end goal (a diploma).
  
• You’re feeling proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished so far – you got the job, you have someplace to live – but you really miss the routine of ongoing school years.
  
• Family and parents are people you now miss, if you’ve moved; and you find yourself strangely alone and lonely without them.

If you’ve been out in the workplace for a couple of years the above may be resolving to some extent, but new things may come up. And perhaps some will come up in the first year as well. You learn you do not like the job you’re trained for – now what? Life feels like it’s just going to go on the same as it is now – forever! Will it ever change? You want/need a vacation, but only have a few days or a week or two. You used to have two after each semester – at least. Nobody is seeking your opinion at work. Why? And there are work politics, how to manage those? You are engaged – or married – and wonder if this is all there is? Or, you’re single and can’t find someone to date. Or you are homosexual and haven’t come out yet. You are feeling more anxious, depressed, or lonely, and cry a lot. So, this “adulthood” you were talking about and hoping for and preparing for over 20 years is not quite what you’d hoped for – and you are ready to scream at the next person who says, “Welcome to adulthood! Get used to it!” Let’s examine this for a moment – because what you are feeling is real and understandable and you are not the only one. And truly, you don’t need to “get used to it”. First, what you are experiencing is so real that there is a name for this period of life: emerging adulthood. This implies it’s a process – not an overnight thing. The college officials may have handed you a diploma you’d earned, but that didn’t magically change anything else. Thus in the quote on page 1 – this is a period of moving toward stability and consistency. In addition, it is really important to recognize that we now know that part of the brain is not even developed fully until 25 – thus some of the frustration you may be having. The prefrontal is the part of the brain that controls impulses and allows you to develop long-term strategies. So – without the goal you’ve had for years, and seeing life ahead of you seemingly forever – no wonder you are overwhelmed and frustrated and can’t figure out how to manage it all. Even the need to manage it all – i.e., career, work, social life, intimate relationship, money, living arrangements, car or transportation, spirituality, health, and the list goes on – is difficult to do when one’s brain is still growing neurons to help you plan, manage, and organize your life. Next, or third, you may be one of many who are impacted by anxiety, depression, or even schizophrenia in a very limited number of cases. Mental health issues tend to first show up in one’s 20’s. This means that while you had perhaps some anxiety about tests or school, it now may be at a higher level as you find the job has you worried, you can’t relax in the evening, you are having panic attacks, or you are crying all of the time and thinking of suicide. It’s important to be willing to look at this at this time – while this age group has more new diagnoses than other stages of life, it’s also the group least likely to ask for help. Help stamp out the stigma of mental illness, and talk with a counselor, ask for help, take medication if necessary. Life can be easier if those are needed and one accepts them. So, what is a person to do beyond the above and knowing they are not alone. Well, a few ideas garnered from others and my experience in working with others, but when you’re at the point of loneliness a call helps.

• Find or set a goal – to learn a new hobby, finish the next project at work, identify the promotion you could get at work and what you need to do for it and write out the 3 things you need to do in the next 3 months toward that, get a dog and learn to train it. The goals were inherent in your life before. Now you have to work to identify them.
  
• Volunteer – go hand out water to the homeless, fill foodbank boxes, volunteer to teach a Sunday School or volunteer for Young Life or Lifeteen. You’ll feel better reaching out – and it will keep balance.
  
• Find an exercise class or hiking group – and go! ☺
  
• Join a: professional group, alumni group, sorority or fraternity group near you. These often have meetings in larger cities – or you could offer to start one.
  
• Eat, sleep, and exercise regularly and well. Ok, so you have crazy hours – figure out how to get the nutrition in and still deal with the business trips. Or sleep 7-9 hours, and then get up! Sunshine is a great healer.
  
• Find a faith community – it can be a meditation group, church in the faith you have had, nature hiking that brings you into connection with a greater being, chanting group, or something else. Maintaining and growing spiritually will help you in the rough patches. Unsure of what you believe? Find a spiritual director or mentor.
  
• Call your old bestie – she’ll still be there. It’s reworking how you experience the relationship. When one of you marry your friendship will be different. Be patient, work it through with her. It does take a lot of work to build AND maintain relationships. But it is worth it in the end.
  
• Don’t worry if you don’t find the person of your life right away. Perhaps it will take time to marry, the average age for marriage is increasing to 24 for women and 30 for men. You’re far from alone.

Remember – loyalty, stability, and consistency are the goals, but you won’t achieve them for a while. Keep breathing, reach out to others, dig deep within, express your spirituality, and you will find that eventually life does feel more secure as you become more secure within.